my new sports car

>> the defining moment, for me, when i knew i was grown-up, was paying taxes. when you see your paycheck and you go, "[ laughs ] oh! half is gone!" >> i leave the bar when i get louder. [ yells indistinctly ]

that'll come out of my mouth. >> what you send out with your pda with your significant other -- you want people to see that you're still having sex. >> flourless crust and seasonal fruit. >> oh, my gosh. that's amazing. this is michael.

say hi to dan. >> i hear michael likes baseball. >> oh, that's great. >> as you get older and you move on in life, you're gonna have to eventually find new groups to hang out with because your old friends are sick of you.

>> things happen, right? your friends get married, uh, they hibernate. maybe you move, maybe you get out of a relationship and all your friends were on their side. >> it's easy when you're a kid. you're at school. there's 500 kids to pick from.

>> as adult, it's a lot harder. you know, 'cause you can't just, like, wander around a park and be like, "hey, i'm erin." they're gonna run. >> you know you need new friends when you spend all of your time reminiscing about good times that you had rather than making

new good times. >> what i like to do is just base a new friend on similar interests. like, if you're like, "hey, man. do you want to pray and go camping?" i'll be like, "well, there's the door."

but if you're like, "hey, would you like beer or vodka?" i'll be like, "i'm tom. nice to meet you." >> i've found, in general, there's three easy ways to make friends. sports. who doesn't like sports?

tv. everybody can relate to some tv, and if they can't, move on. third -- dog. because a dog will always break the ice. dogs are hilarious. >> i find myself trolling chuck e. cheese to find some

parents that seem cool... which is much more acceptable now that i have children. >> i've lost friends that just became too square. like, they're just like, "i'm a grown-up now." >> nerds. >> and "legal words. bills."

>> yeah. >> i'm like, "all right, well, no more fun in your life." >> as you get older, you're more of an island, and it's strange that your kids are actually your friend brokers. like, "oh, you like timmy? i guess i'm friends with timmy's

dad now." >> i think the key is find parents you like and then match the kids up together. it's like an nfl draft. scout them out, isolate them, make the connection. the kids will figure it out. >> pick someone who can keep a

secret. i made a new friend, and her baby fell off the bed right in front of me and the mom looked at me, and i looked at her and i... [ zip! ] [ click! ] [ whoosh! ]

>> you know what happens when you get older? you start getting hair where you didn't have hair before. so, yeah, it's pretty important, as a grown-up, to know how to groom. >> i hate when they call it, like, metrosexual.

it's just called taking care of yourself. >> i grew, like, muttonchops when i was in college. why not? if you're an adult doing that, people are like, "what is wrong with you?" >> women have to be careful of

the rogue hair. there's nothing worse than, like, going home, and you look at yourself in your mirror, and all of a sudden, there's, like, a full-on what appears to be like a whisker on your face. and you're like, "do i have any real friends?"

>> i love, love, love a healthy beard on a man. it signifies that the man can hunt and gather and beat the crap out of somebody that threatens you. ooph. sexually aroused. i love it. >> i don't understand why skinny

people have beards. it's ridiculous. unless you were, like, hit in the face with a mallet or machinery sliced your face open, shave. this is an awful thing that's just to cover the pizza. >> i love the driven, creative

guy who's got the big beard. "yeah, i don't have time to shave this." oh, yeah? you got time to pluck that piece of sushi out of there... before i throw up? >> whatever i eat, my beard smells like farts.

>> [ sniffs ] i'm like, "what? did you just eat out of the cat box?" >> my heritage, my people -- the soviets -- everything just starts to connect. >> grooming is so much harder for a woman.

you got to shave your crotch. your eyebrows have to be plucked, and your hair has to be done. but this season, i got to curl it out instead of in, and guh-guh-guh, guh-guh-guh. >> when i look at my grandmother, uh, i see my

future, and wow. i've got to start investing in laser. >> okay, like, when your dad teaches you about grooming when you're a kid, he teaches you how to shave. there's nothing about manscaping.

that term didn't exist 30 years ago. >> i have a buzzer for my nose and ear hair, and i started using it on my taint and balls. it starts out -- you see a couple long strays, and you go after them. but it's too much fun.

you won't stop. and when you're done, there will be a tumbleweed on the ground and your penis will look like a sad sea creature. >> i go old-school. i go with scissors... which can be dangerous. i don't need another

circumcision. [ door opens ] [ record scratches ] >> uh... >> um... >> [ gasps ] >> unless you've installed a panic room in your house, your kids are gonna catch you having

sex. so do me a favor. have something better in mind than "quick! help! mommy fell down!" >> when your kids catch you, well, first of all, um, remember your manners. don't talk with your mouth full.

>> if your kid walks in on you having sex and he runs away, that's a bad sign. if he stands there and goes, "hmm. not bad," that's a worse sign. >> oh, i did catch my parents once. i ran into their room, "i found

my car registration!" and all i saw were, like, knotted up blankets and legs. i don't know how many legs. maybe they had, like, prosthetic legs they were using. there were like 30 or 40 legs. >> i just remember argyle socks. it's, like, burned in my memory.

and my mom's butt. but we never talked about it. i just left. >> the first time i walked in on my parents having sex, i was shocked. but you just get used to it, and after a while, it just becomes a friday night tradition.

uh, speaking of which, i got a -- i got a hard out at 7:30. if i don't get there by 8:00, they just start without me. >> i think if your kid walks in on you having sex, first of all, take a deep breath, you know, calm down, put your pants back on.

>> just explain, "mommy and daddy sometimes hug each other until they giggle, and then daddy cries at the end." >> you have to say something. you can't just stare at them. >> now you have to figure, "how much did they see?" did they get a glance?

>> "mommy and daddy love each other. and can you give us, like, seriously, three more minutes, and then we'll come talk to you? that's all we need." >> i hit the mid-life crisis pretty hard.

and now i'm dead inside. >> get the sports car you've always dreamed of getting. that's what student loans are >> honey, what would you think if i got a motorcycle? >> [ chuckles ] i think that'd be a terrible idea.

>> i got a motorcycle. >> i guess there's no way to have a good mid-life crisis, 'cause it's a crisis. >> you're worried about getting older and aging and your body's falling apart and your hair's thinning and you're tripping over your testicles.

>> if you handle it the right way, it'll pass quickly. >> at one point, someone's gonna call you "ma'am" and you want to jump off a bridge. don't. >> i might be on the verge of having a mid-life crisis right now.

'cause i am starting to go, like, "what are we doing and why?" i've got all this cool stuff, but who cares? i haven't gone to bali. i haven't had an orgy with 10 dominican guys...yet. >> i can't tell if i'm

officially having a mid-life crisis because i'm behaving exactly the way i have for the last 25 years. which is not good. >> i actually had a mid-life crisis a couple months ago. i was doing a college gig, and i made a "saved by the bell"

reference, and they didn't know what "saved by the bell" was. >> here's a female mid-life crisis. "oh, my god! i have to get a manicure/pedicure. all better." >> if a woman has a mid-life

crisis, she'll probably go out on, like, a shopping spree, maybe she'll take, like, her and her girlfriends on a vacation. males are more tempted to literally turn everything on its head. and if it puts your kids' college tuition in jeopardy,

for. >> i went face first into a mid-life crisis at the age of 40. and i had a decision to make. do i buy the safe, economic, hybrid electric vehicle or v-8 supercharged muscle car? i got the hybrid.

>> personally, i never thought i'd have to worry about a mid-life crisis. and then a hot chick behind a counter calls you "sir," and you find yourself driving around for hours, aimless and alone. >> i think my mid-life crisis is over, actually, you know?

i was thinking about that the other day as i drove in my new sports car on my way to the gym for the first time in a decade having just bought some clothes that the girl at the store told me i looked sexy in. oh, god. it's still going on, isn't it?

>> it's important to, you know, show affection in public, and there's nothing wrong with a little public display, you know, if you want to give a little [smooches]. >> "aww. that's cute." like, "look at them making out." >> but as soon as, like, your

fingers start curling around butt cheek, it's too far. >> that is the furthest thing from cute. >> grown-ups need to know how to show affection because there's a place and a time for making out. all right? we don't just make out on our

vespas and french kiss everywhere. this isn't italy. this is america. >> why are you getting into foreplay right now? can i eat my grilled cheese before you start to, uh, procreate in front of me?

i mean, it's gross. >> put your arm around her. interlock arms. i don't care. just don't be the couple that puts your hands in each other's pockets. >> holding hands is great. arm around her is great.

hand in the back pocket -- fine for a rock concert, not for a playground. >> you don't look like you're in love. you look like the world's lamest pickpockets. >> i would rather have you make out in front of me than baby

talk. when you're at, like, dinner, and the next table over, a woman's like, "[baby voice ] d-d-did bobby have too much to drink?" >> "[ baby voice ] do want me to touch your private -- yes, you do."

>> "[ baby voice ] ooh, my little smoochie." [ smooches ] >> "[ baby voice ] does bobby need to go home?" [ normal voice ] yeah, you both need to go home immediately. [ baby voice] and then kill yourselves. >> as a grown-up, i think what

you send out with your pda with your significant other is important, because you want people to see that you can behave in public, but you also want a little hint that you're still having sex. >> you don't need to slap tongues with your significant

other like your team just made the playoffs. a nibble, a little peck -- absolutely. >> my wife and i -- we have our own little thing, you know? we do our triple kiss. [ smooches, smooches, smooches ] depending on how well we get

along, in the moment, might go up to 9 or 12. >> i'll sit on my husband's lap. but that, to a married couple, is foreplay. you know, the other day, my husband, uh -- he moved one of my hairs off my face, and i was like, "you want to go in that

alley?" >> when me and my wife first started out, we were like, you know, like young rookie basketball players. we were just putting up numbers. now we're like two old vets. we just lean against each other till somebody scores.

>> so, you guys have already, like, been at the bar today. how does a grown-up need to know how to drink? >> you go into a bar, and, like, we don't care anymore. i doesn't matter. >> he's had like 14. >> 14?

i'll give you $1 million if you tell me what question i asked you. >> "what do we get to learn right now?" >> [ laughs ] >> you have been to, probably, many, many bars. but when you're a grown-up, you

drink a little differently. you're not in college anymore. >> my drinking etiquette has changed dramatically as i've gotten older. like, when you're younger, it's quantity. it's like, "how much alcohol can i get in my face?"

>> when i was younger and i would go out to bars, i was such an a-hole. i drank a lot of beer, which turned me into a frat boy. i spit on a girl one time in college who i thought had slept with my boyfriend. turned out she didn't, so...

sorry. >> and as you get older, everything changes. you're like, "no, it's quality." i'll buy anything, like, top-shelf so it's not like "the walking dead" the next morning where you just get up, you're like "aah, uhh."

>> cardinal rule of drinking, something my father always told me -- [ hungarian accent ] "you have to eat before you drink." [ normal voice ] this is rule number one, man. and 20-year-old girls -- they don't know that. they go out to these

bachelorette parties and they're throwing up everywhere. you got to eat before. >> as a grown-up, you should know how to order a drink at a bar. >> first of all, no tequila. 'cause you've had the bad experiences with tequila.

you know better than that. >> don't sit there and ask, "what's in a slippery nipple? 'cause i'm trying to be gluten-free." nobody cares if you're gluten-free in a bar. >> and shots? shots are for sorority girls and

frat boys, not for adults. >> don't be the person at the bar when the lights come on. that's like a police lineup for people that were desperate to get laid. when i start dancing to music i hate -- phew. that's when you got to leave the

>> usually, it's when i start saying stupid stuff or when i start saying, "where are we gonna eat on the way home?" >> if you're over 35 and married, why are you even in a bar? when you're a grown-up, my bar is sitting in my backyard,

drinking some red wine. that's the bar now. >> you're gonna be working for the next 50 years. you got to look like a professional. >> you can't show up to an office job dressed like you're >> how should a grown-up dress

for work? >> you should come with your "a" game. you know, uh, shirt, tie. >> see, i think you look very nice. you have dress slacks, nice dress shoes, and a long-sleeved button-up.

>> i appreciate it. >> look at me. tennis shoes, jeans, and this. >> uh, you know, maybe, uh... yeah, maybe not. >> as a grown-up, you need to learn how to dress for work. i mean, you're gonna be working for the next 50 years.

you want to be treated like a >> here's a piece of advice for grown-ups. get clothes that fit. >> you're competing for this job against a kid wearing cargo pants, all right? break out the suit. make sure it's not the one from

15 years ago that you last wore to some wedding and then, in the pocket, there's, like, a half-smoked cigar and a mapquest printout of the directions to the reception. >> you should always dress to the position you aspire to have. my husband obviously aspires to

be a hobo. >> you're an adult, so you have to consider your work environment. in nirvana. >> take it a step up, you know? if they tell you to wear a polo shirt, wear a button-up. if they tell you to wear the

button-up, put a tie with it. >> no flip-flops. feet are not -- like, i don't want to see your feet in the workplace. >> no shorts at work, ever... unless you work at fedex or for the celtics. >> don't, like, abuse casual

friday. it's not saturday, right? like, you're still in public. you're not in your house. >> don't try and be the funny guy at work. you got the shirt that has two words "breathalyzer test" with an arrow pointing to your

crotch. i got two more words for you, funny guy -- "human resources." >> if the stuff you wear to work is so comfortable that you can just go to sleep in them, you need to change your wardrobe. you should not be able to do that.

>> if you're asking me, you're on the wrong track. i mean, i show up for meetings like this. >> are you sure asking comedians is the best idea -- "how to dress at work?" i'm not wearing pants right now. i mean, i have a collar, but i

have no pants. pantless comedian. that's my hook. >> when did this really take shape -- the play-date idea? like, i just remember having friends as a kid. >> it's important that a kid has a lot of play-dates.

that way he learns how to get along with everyone. also, it makes him look really popular, and that's what's important. life is a popularity contest. >> as a parent, i'll admit, we're shallow just like everybody else's parent.

we want our kid to play with the best kid. and every other parent wants their kid to play with that kid. so you have to book them like you're booking a really good band. >> when you come over for a play-date, it doesn't mean that

i am babysitting your kid. this one mom thought this was her time to relax. she put her feet up. she got a drink. >> the key is, i think, get a hard in and a hard out. you don't want somebody to be like, "oh, can i drop off tommy

at 4:00 on friday, pick him up on sunday?" "i'm sorry. is this shared custody? no. you're my neighbor." >> i make sure the moms enjoy themselves, too. and i'm not gonna judge the mom if she wants wine in her sippy

cup. >> my policy on play-dates is curb-side drop-off, curb-side pickup. unless the friend's mom is hot, then we hover for a little while. >> i do like to host play-dates. and i got snacks.

i got good snacks. rice cakes? amateur. >> remember, whatever happens in your house, that kid's gonna let everybody else know. so make sure you don't become the "we ran out of fish sticks again" house. that rep never goes away.

>> i cook a meal for the kids. i do it up right. i want a good yelp review. >> you need to know how to handle an emergency, right? >> young people -- like, they'll have a survival pack with, like, condoms. like, yeah, oh, after a natural

>> what do you need to have to be prepared for an emergency? >> propane tanks, water, lots of batteries. >> booze, too. >> every parent is worried about not being prepared for an emergency. not because something's gonna

happen to your family, but just if something does, the newscaster will be like, "this could have been very easily prevented." which, what he's trying to say is, "this guy's a terrible father." >> we had an earthquake here in

l.a. about six months ago, and it looked bad. so i ran out. i got a flashlight. i got some granola bars. my wife came out with a shoe box and $10,000. that's when i realized my wife's been living a lie.

disaster, you're gonna get some. they probably will. >> this absolute train wreck sitting next to me is not capable of staying calm. she's a panic bunny. i'm in charge. i'm the general. >> i have a first-aid kit.

i have tons of extra water. i have canned food. i have flare guns. >> i've taken down all the artwork in our house with sharp sides for the last three months, 'cause i -- >> three months ago. all the paintings are on the

floor now. >> it's true. >> i have wooden stakes and holy water for vampires. i have silver bullets for local werewolves. i've got it covered. >> you're the panic bunny. i'm the calm center of the

family for sure. >> what?! >> no. see? no reaction. >> my husband and i were stuck in a hurricane situation down in cancãºn in a jeep, and all of a sudden, we're just obviously flooded, like, up to here. and i just gave up, and i'm

like, "i guess we're dying." but he would not give up on it. and that is why i married him. and also he's good in the sack. >> this is rule number 41. there's a grown-up way to throw a garage sale. first of all, how many signs do you put up in the neighborhood,

tom? >> three max. >> you're not inviting the entire county to come to your house. you just need a few neighborhood people. and let's be honest about your belongings.

they're not treasures. you didn't discover them 20 miles offshore. >> if you can sweat in it, defecate in it, or urinate in it, it's not for sale. >> yeah. you put that online. you sell that to somebody that